Mince Pies, Fat Sluts and Obese Arseholes (in the form of a Letter To...)

The Wanker Charming Young Man in the Dining Hall,

I'm a "fat slut" for taking an extra pie? Wow, really? Imaginative insult right there! I am in awe of your wit!

Because I totally agree with you. My eating a pie makes me a raging whore! How could I have not known this?

You obese arsehole.

I am so incredibly sorry you missed out on stuffing your face with that mince pie I so wrongly took from your not-so-starving grasp.

I doubt you have the mental capacity to comprehend sarcasm, so I'll point it out to you. Everything above this is sarcasm. Apart from the bit where I call you an obese arsehole. That bit I mean with full sincerity.

If it wasn't for my wanting to return to my job next year I wouldn't have refrained from telling you what I thought of you. Couldn't let the angry version of myself (from way back in year nine) return from the depths to which I banished her.

Because, surprise! As an RA, I was getting the extra pie for a sick resident I was collecting dinner for. As far as I'm concerned, I'm perfectly entitled to my pie as well as one for that resident. And I couldn't give a damn if you were too slow to get up and get a pie. May I suggest you take your head out of your arse next time? You might move quicker then.

Furthermore, if I'm fat at 64kg, you must be clinically obese, and really could do without that pie and it's golf ball of fat. And while I fail to see your logic in linking pie consumption to my apparently out of control sex life, can I just point out that you have no idea what my sex life is like. Nor do I think you have any involvement in any girl's sex life.

And I have to do my job. So writing you up for yelling out derogatory obscenities across the dining hall would not be outside of my job description. What was your name?

I'm also sorry to inform you that that pie you coveted, isn't actually interested in being your company tonight. I know they say in American Pie that it feels just like an apple pie, but an unwilling mince pie feels nothing like an actual vagina. Take that from a "slut" who, being female and having a vagina, has seen more pussy than you ever will.

From Me.

PS: I still haven't eaten that pie.